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I don’t bruise easily, So you can’t see the blue and purples in my skin, But it does hurt more than normal, And that is why I am always writing in my journal. Why is it so hard for you to say you’re sorry? Don’t you see the weight I carry? Why does it affect me so? I wish I could dodge this blow. I tense up every time you call my name, Afraid of what may come, Is this normal, or am I the only one? I wish for your love, I want to make you proud, But most times, the voice of what you want is just so loud, That when I want to hear my own thoughts, I can only make out yours. I want to stand up for myself, Like the characters in my bookshelf, But your giant and terrible form makes me a coward, In the end, I am always overpowered.

Changing, moving, trading, Ever-shifting. This is my life now. New places to see, New people to meet, New food to taste, New things to experience. The euforia gets into my brain, It is intoxicating, Addicting. It is a heartache I long to feel again, and again, and again. The exhaustion is not important, I’ll run and I’ll sing along. Everything is new: The plants, the houses, the way they speak to me, It is exciting, I can’t wait to go downtown. There are hills everywhere I look, I want to go to the highest and scream to the world: I AM FREE, COME WITH ME! Come with me to these new places to see, Come with me to these new people to meet, Come with me to these new food to taste, Come with me to these new things to experience! Feel the adrenaline, the exhilaration burning through your lungs, Into your brain and then your heart. Feel the caterpillars turning into butterflies inside you. Feel the wind brushing your skin, and hair back, Feel it drying the sweat from when you ran to the hilltop, Nonstop, The cobblestones passing like a blur beneath your feet, People wave back to you as you laugh, As the light from your smile shines on them, You make their day better as you did mine. You came with me. You are free. Now it’s time to say goodbye. For I am going to someplace new, And you will too.

This pain wrenches me from the inside I am bleeding, sheets forever stained red I curl up trying to hide The blood that I have shed. Everytime it happens, I cry And I want to eat more, and I crave Wet hair is a no no, gotta make it dry Cold drinks? Bare feet? To my grave it will lead. The pain is my insides' self destruction Punishing me for not continuing the cycle of life No matter that my first time was when I was 12 years old Self conscious of every laugh Sneezing has never been so dangerous I am on edge, so nervous Carefully, thread carefully Check in the mirror, passerby reflections, is my cloak covering it? "Hey girl! Can you see anything? No? Good, awesome." Small steps, small steps, gotta get to the bathroom. "Oh shit, those were my favorite pants!" "Oh shit, I'm at school, I don't have a pad!" "Aw fuck, you think I am being dramatic?" "Aw fuck, Sir, do you really want to see what is in my bag?" "No no, go on. Tell everybody what is in it" "Oh you are all red! Something wrong?" "Yeah, that's my special kit" "Can I go now? The flood is pretty strong." What don't you understand? This pain wrenches me from the inside I am bleeding, sheets forever stained red I curl up trying to hide The blood that I have shed. The blood that follows me, and always comes back. It is my only loyal friend, who arrives always on time But like a toxic relationship, it leaves me bruised and hurt To say that what I feel doesn't exist should be a crime Now I will log-off and eat dessert. Listening to Cold Little Heart by Michael Kiwanuka I vibe to his choros "Bleeding, I'm bleeding! My cold little heart Oh I, I can't stand myself" And so I curl up and cry into my pillow. Pitying myself and my misery. Because I can't even bitterly eat ice cream.

I want to make you feel better But no matter what I do I see you with tears in your eyes Or just a deadpan expression I feel the burden on my back Heavier after each day I offer my company and love But it matters not, you feel alone We stand side by side I reach for your hand, but you do not hold mine back Your arm is limp Unfeeling of touch I make up jokes, silly faces and dance moves Each one more stupid than the one before But even then, you look up with shadowed eyes Eyes that are green and no light inside You feel tired all the time I want to jolt you awake with life All my electricity and energy is for nothing You are like a damaged battery, never retaining energy I see that you are in pain And I try to do things for you Even then you walk and talk like a corpse A zombie without a soul I wish i had someone to talk to Someone to get wisdom from I wish i had the knowledge To help you out of this deep-made well I feel myself draining and straining to keep upright The pain in my shoulders and chest is unimaginable But no matter how heavy or hard I will keep holding tight I will keep by your side My incalculable light To help you see in the dark Till you find your own spark.

Get out, get out Get out, get out Stop telling me How wrong I've been. I want to walk out Move out Live someplace safe In peace I want to live without screams Without being reminded that I am broken at the seams Grasses rolling downhill, wind at my hair The sun at my back, I feel a tug I open my eyes, to feel soft fur brushing my cheeks I smile because my happiness is with me She purrs at seeing me waken She licks my tears streaming down my face The warm feeling doesn't last longer The pounding in my head returns Louder, Louder, LOUDER! Like a parasite, it sucks my lifeblood, Subtly I feel a tug A prickly sensation that I must let go But I don't. I deserve this I am not worthy of being happy I remember the very first thought I had: "Get out, get out Get out, get out Stop telling me How wrong I've been" But now I think "Come in, come in I deserve this break-in The hurtful truth That I've ignored in my youth" I breathe deeply It doesn't matter anymore I am bleeding and I can't move I can only watch the red pool around me Feeling it staining my skin I look up, there are hundreds of faces They're laughing at me Satisfied to see my end I open my mouth to say "I am sorry" Slowly, they fade I sob in the ground My tears mixing with my blood And I repeat "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am so, so, sorry" I say those magical words Until I feel nothing more than a subtle tug A prickly sensation telling me to let go I nod, more tears coming out I breathe deeply, and say "Forgive, forgive, Forgive my tresspasses I understand now How wrong I've been" I feel my body healing Leaving a hundred scars I look at them and don't feel shame I look around and I feel calm I hear purring, I look down Happiness is back, with my heart intact I smile, and the warm fuzzy feeling comes back I finally can live, with my past at my back.

The cold is seeping in, I shed a tear, and as it slides through my cheek, it freezes and shatters on the ground. Leaving a burning sensation on my hands as they touch the earth. My knees throb with the pain of falling, my feet mutilated from walking on hot coals. I blink, Once. Twice. The memories come flooding in. This is my punishment. Party. Smiles. Laughs. Phone ringing. Sobbing. Weeping. Screaming. Silence. Ice. Travel. Fresh start. Phone ringing. Rage. Anger. Silence. Travel. What will come next? I lift my eyes from my bloody hands and look ahead, I see trees all around, I feel as if they are sucking me in. I fall backwards and I am looking at the canopy. The branches pull apart to reveal a night so dark that there isn't even one star shining. I am pulled underground. Dirt falling on top of me. Soon enough I can't breathe, I can't move, I can't see. I am dead? I wish it were so. Bones crushing under the weight, I cry out, pleading for a merciful soul to save me. I don't know how long I stayed there. Only that the flashes started again and they didn't stop. Closed my eyes, but only made them more vivid. Please stop. Stop. Stop! Please. Just stop. They don't stop. I claw my way out of my grave, nails breaking, blood wetting the earth, pain ripping through my arms and hands. Sucking in a breath, I drown in my own despair. Suddenly I am not under the earth anymore, I don't know where I am. What is happening? I can't feel anything, I can't see anything. A black void surrounds me, I strain to hear, something, anything at all, and I am graced with darkness. I realize what I just thought "I am graced with darkness", I notice that in my distress, I stopped seeing the flashes, and now, with that thought in my head I hear softly a music play. Far away I feel warmth, and a fuzzy feeling rises within me. Even though I don't have a body in this void, I feel myself walking towards the song. It gets louder with each step, the darkness fading away with each note. Like being pulled on a rope, I follow to the unknown, light washes over me, and I start to see beyond the veil of brightness, I see a white, well lit room. The music surges through me, and I feel awoken. A presence beside my head yelps in surprise, I see a smile over my head, hands gripping my face, kissing on my hands and cheeks, laughter tingles my ears and tears fall down on me. I've never felt quite so happy in my life. The pain and suffering from before crumbles down, seeming like a long ago nightmare. I have awoken, and I will not be afraid.

A Little Girl and her Mother walk side by side. Holding her mother's hand, the Little Girl hops along, avoiding the lines on the cobblestone path. The light shines through the green trees from the park that they are. The Mother walks on calmly, looking down at her child from time to time and absently smiling, noticing the innocence and joy in which the Little Girl looked around and played along. Mother and Daughter arrive at the center of the park. A fountain spilled water ahead and people bustled around, carrying ice cream carts, strollers, parents screaming for their wild children to not wander too far, old couples throwing bread at the ground for the birds, and lovesick teenagers kissing and holding hands. The place was the definition of "bursting of life", and the Little Girl ached to go play with the other children, to see the birds from up close and eat ice cream. But before she could break away from her mother's grasp, she was pulled towards an unoccupied bench. The bench was of an old wood, colored a deep blue-sea and peeling at some places to see the colour red underneath. The Mother sat and gestured for her child to do the same. Confused, the Little Girl asked- "I can't go play today?"- and her mom pat the bench again and answered. "Hop Hop Little Bunny, mommy wants to talk to you." And hop she did, for she sat on the wood and held her little shirt in her little hands. Twisting, twisting as she anxiously waited for her mother to adjust her long floral dress and cross her fingers on her knee. The wood scratched and poked her little bare legs, and she was small enough to not be able to touch the ground with her little feet. As she watched, the Little Girl noticed how beautiful her mother looked, smooth skin, cheeks flushed by the heat, hardened eyes by years of living in the city, silky hair that shined with the light, fingers thin and strong for playing an instrument. Her nails were polished, cut short to be easy to deal but long enough to paint a grand design. But most of all, as she looked on, she noticed how her mother's lips were tucked and formed a thin line, how her muscles seemed tense, and her eyebrows drew together. Then her mother pointed to what she was looking. "See that woman over there? With the red shirt and with a smile on her face? What do you think it's happening over there?" The woman in matter was quite far away and the Little Girl scrunched up her face trying to see better. The woman was young, she had a big camera on her chest, and seemed to be talking to a man in front of her. She continually twitched her fingers on her camera and with her other hand, brushed away strands of hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear, never breaking eye contact with her partner. The Little Girl, oblivious to all those little details answered- "She has chocolate skin just like my eyes!"- and for a second, the mother chuckled, but her face became grave again as fast as a bird flapping its wings. "Yes, she does, Bunny. But do you notice the way she holds her camera? How she looks at the man in front of her? Do you notice the ticks and the pace in which she moves from one foot to another? Do you know what it all means?" "No mommy." "I want you to look very closely." And so, the Little Girl did. She jumped off the bench and made her way towards the pair and started to notice all the things she had missed before. But as she got closer, she detected how the woman's smile seemed forced, how she did not move her head, but her eyes darted around. How she flickered her camera's buttons brusquely and her hands trembled. At each movement from her feet, she seemed to be separating herself from the man in front of her. The Little Girl looked away right as the woman's gaze fell on her, a strange sensation of despair behind her eyes, and turned back to only find her mother right behind her with a hand on her shoulder. A second later, Mother left Daughter and confidently approached the pair with a bright smile on her face and open arms as she hugged the trembling and surprised woman. "There you are! We've been looking all around for you! Come come, everybody is waiting for us just right ahead." And with no other word, the three of them left. The Little Girl looked only once behind, and she noticed the man looking straight at her, and then he smiled. She didn't understand why, but she felt a chill, a drop on her stomach that made her turn away fast and pick up her pace to get as far away and as quickly as possible from the strange man. When they finally left his vision range, the woman crumpled. She held Mother's arms and thanked her profusely, tears staining her skin and trying to explain what happened. But the Girl heard none of it. She could only look at the trees and remember of the man's smile. How his white teeth gleamed and how wolfish he seemed. She didn't notice anything until her mother again touched her shoulder. They were alone again. "Should we go home Little Bunny?" And her child nodded, only she wasn't "little" anymore. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Author's note: I don't know what exactly to think of this piece. Only that it started out with a mother trying to teach her daughter a lesson about society, and ended somewhat abruptly. But I believe that it clearly symbolizes how the Little Girl's reality was shattered: abruptly, brusquely, and violently. I hope you liked reading this as much as I liked writing it. Keep dreaming, Kiki.